Divorce

Divorce is something that I feel like I could talk for a long time on. I have seen how it effects people, and plays a cognitive role in their lives. Back in the day getting a divorce was not easy. You had to have a very valid reason for why you wanted to divorce your spouse. It seems like now all you have to do is not like the person. Generally, it seems that all it takes is an urge that leads to two angry people signing papers, or the two people getting a divorce decide on that “they just don’t have anything in common anymore.” That “they aren’t compatible anymore.” Something that I believe personally is that incompatibility is not really the problem, its how you deal with those incompatibilities. I am sorry for saying this, but I feel like divorce is sometimes an extreme version of people pouting. Now don’t take this the wrong way, not every divorce is like that, and no divorce should be taken lightly. Divorce sometimes is necessary. I am trying to imply that the view of divorce has changed over the years greatly, but the effect of it has not.

            Divorce has a direct impact on the kids. Imagine yourself trying to deal with a problem, but having zero knowledge to do so. The research shows that the children who go through a divorce have a hard time coping with issues regarding their own relationships. This usually comes from the child not having a functioning relationship to learn from. Children constantly learn from their parents on how to deal with certain situations. With divorce, research shows that a divorce is how the child learns to deal with marital problems, not actually communicating to resolve the issue. Further more it affects the parents. Depending on the relationship, both women and men, can feel skeptical about even dating again. It can damage the view of any relationship in their eyes.

             As time goes on, remarriage happens, and family roles change. The struggle with children can start to occur. But getting remarried can play a pivotal role in your child’s life. Consider this, “A strong step family marriage is critical for the relational development of the children. Step Family children, especially those who have lived through a parental divorce, need to witness and learn from a healthy marital relationship. This counteracts the negative and destructive patterns of interaction they witnessed in their parent’s previous marriage.” A strong family is one that has parents who are strong together first. We can not let ourselves get sucked in the disillusionment of it all. Disillusionment describes the universal experience for adults to believe that remarriage will release of their bondage of loneliness, and loss. They believe that as long as they get remarried, all of the problems they had in their first marriage will magically go away. That is not true. If you do not learn and work to better yourself, the same thing is going to happen again. Parents who remarry should invest in their new marriage with the goal to have it to be a joyful one. That means you will be willing to communicate, and understand each one another to resolve issues. The want for a strong, unified family is there, and the actions associated with the unity is also shown.

            Again, I feel I could go on and on about this topic, because it means a lot to me. It is one of my biggest fears with marriage. To have an argument, and then boom, my wife would be gone. But I also know that I will look for and marry someone that I can talk to, and who is willing to communicate, so that we do not end up getting a divorce. I know that I will love my wife, and that the last thing I would want to do is lose her. People say that pain is just weakness leaving the body. Yeah well, its leaving straight to your soul. Because that kind of pain never fully heals in us, and it never fully heals in our children.

Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? The normal answers I feel like would be, to watch over them, to teach them, and protect and prepare our children in the unforgiving world. All of these are true to their statements. We are to watch over our children, we are to teach them, and we are to prepare them for the rest of their lives. But how do we do this? How do we make it meaningful so it sticks with them their whole lives? I believe we can start the process by having the goal to raise our child to develop as an engaged person who can work their way through their own experiences while feeling comfortable while doing it. That’s called being an active parent. Someone who understands the investment of being a parent.

            As parents I feel like we want our children to learn and accept responsibility for their own actions. Guess what? The parent teaches that. Take the word responsibility and break it down. Response-ability. As parents we teach our children how to have the ability to respond to situations. We can teach them this as we stop “reacting” to our children, and start “responding” to them. We respond to their feelings. Parents should ask them selves, “what is the intention of their feelings right now?” What are their feelings from the actual experience? As you respond vs to react, it allows the parent to keep their values, ethics, morals, and standards, while allowing the child’s voice to be heard. The child then learns it is in a safe environment that can always be trusted.

            Another thing that is important to remember is that failure from the child is ok. Parents have to embrace that fact, because failure leads to success. With almost everything a child does, it is our job to make sure that they go through those things without the burden of judgement. This all boils down to having respect for your child, and show it so that the child knows that they are respected by their parents. Our role as a parent is not to punish our kids. When parents give their children punishment, they are teaching them wrong. I know that sounds off the wall bonkers because kids will act up and will need to be punished right? Wrong, if a child misbehaves, it needs discipline. The difference between the two is punishment means suffering. Discipline means teaching. If a parent takes the time to see where the problem is, and who actually owns the problem, they can better see who is being affected by it.

            I believe the more we see our roles as a parent being a divine gift, we see the greater importance that we carry being a parent. Being a parent becomes meaningful. We start to be a parent because we want to, it interests us, we are genuine in all of our actions. We don’t say to ourselves “well, I better act this way because that what parents should do.” If we embrace our natural love for being a parent, the child will do, and they will support you in being their parent. Love your kids, and be their teacher. Be their caregiver, provider, coach, and anything else they need you to be. Its called being a parent.

Fathers play such an important role in a family’s life. Everyone knows that, and every one pretty much says it. But if that is true, then why are the role of being a father is being degraded as the years go on? In kids shows the father plays the “dumb dad”. He is always messing up, and always seems to be depicted unto like a child. That is pretty much what kids grow up with. Learning that fathers are supposed to be “dumb” you could say, that if you want help, they wont know how to help you. Now I am not taking anything away from mothers, but I do believe fatherhood is something that is overlooked.

            Being a father is more than just being a provider too. His role as a leader and a nurturer is equally as important. An interesting thing that I heard is that mothers have a motherly instinct, but that instinct isn’t attached directly to being a nurturer. That both the mom and the father have a nurture gene. Even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections. When a father realizes his importance and understands what he means to the family, it allows him to teach, and the willingness to be involved in his children’s lives grows. So I guess the question is, “how do you get a father to recognize his value in a family?”

            It partly comes from the spouse. When the spouse recognizes the value that their husband has, the spouse is cherishing him. They have a genuine appreciation that their husband is in their lives, and is a father to their children. When you lose sight of that value, then you stop cherishing, and then you are more likely to react in dishonoring ways. This creates boundaries, and boundaries will skew the value you see in your husband. This can lead to less trust in being a father, and less of a willing heart to communicate.

            I wish I could go on and on about the importance of being a father but I would like to end with a father’s super power. I believe every father shows this power, and has it. Some know it to often. I do not mean this in the sense of “controlling power over all in the family”, but the power that a father has is the opposite of such. It’s the power of sacrifice. As a father I feel that sacrifice is one of our superpowers. A father has the ability to look at a situation, look past his own needs, and do what he knows is right. They sacrifice their time for their family. This is a tad bit revised with my own words but “Greater love hath no man than this, that a father lay down his life for his family”. It means we are the type of father that would sit and spend time our children, rather than watching a football game, and ignoring them. They also sacrifice their time to work to provide for his family. Love is sacrifice, and love/sacrifice is fatherhood.